Job Seeker's Guide to Employment Euphemisms
By Tim Fuhrmann
- A high level of energy and enthusiasm, and the ability to work well in a team environment.
~Be willing to work 14 hour days spinning your wheels while management searches desperately for a clue
- Fast paced and challenging environment
~Impossible Deadlines and management has an attitude
- Challenging and demanding position
~Be willing to work until the job is done (every day)
- Well Defined Corporate Culture
~Small Company: Everybody is already close friends and you'll never fit in.
~Large Company: Welcome to Stepford. (For the truly obtuse: Stepford Wives )
- have an exceptional ability to communicate with end users and team members
~Lots of politics and hidden agendas going on, here.
- Must be able to demonstrate strong analysis and design skills
~The people you will be working with are really dense.
- Very casual, non-micro-managed environment
~Everything's cool if you have exactly our work style, otherwise we will hound you like the dog you are.
- Must also have excellent communications skills as you will have heavy interaction with users. Client is very particular with this.
~There is Bad Blood between the IT dept and the Users. Run away, Run Away.
- Must have Excellent Written and Oral Communication Skills.
~You must have excellent skills, however we don't VALUE them, therefore we will pay you squat.
- We enable you to enjoy an impressive career, maintain a positive work/life balance, and keep technology moving ahead with one of the industry's leaders.
~Get to work, you can have balance when you're an owner.
- Ability and willingness to contribute to the improvement of team and staff proficiency
~We are weak in several areas and need you to fix this project and us. But we are unwilling to grow or change to get there.
- Desire to continually learn and adapt to the business environment and company goals
~Company is in trouble.
- Superior work ethic, loyalty, honesty and a high level of professionalism
~Current staff has a morale problem and bad blood runs through the hallways like stormwater to the sea.
- Ability to manage multiple projects and multi-task
~Impossible work load and obscene deadlines.
- Commitment to consistently meet deadlines
~This is two jobs in one paycheck, run away.
- Ability to work both in a team environment and independently
~You're on your own to solve the problem, but Everyone has to feel they contributed.
- Resourceful, energetic team player
- Must be strong at multi-tasking
~There are a gazillion conflicting demands on your time, we like to work in crisis management mode.
- Ability to deal with Ambiguity.
~Quicksand like requirement documents are the norm.
- Must be experienced enough to hit the ground running, but flexible enough to change course as required.
~Our business is in a state of flux and no one has a clue, please provide one. But be forewarned, it will still be wrong. And even you find the perfect solution for our problem, we will implement the changes and let you go because who needs your sorry ass round here anymore? You just make us look bad.
- This is a key position on a small entrepreneurial team.
~Start up... they want you to be young, so they can work you to death for no pay.
- We're like an extended family to each other
~Complete with all the back biting dysfunction, distrust and petty jealousies of any normal family.